Over sized fluffy toy? Check. Tacky padded Valentines card? Check. Silk Y-fronts? Check. Two cans of Strongbow Cider? Check. Yep it's Valentines day and us romantics can't always get it right!! Here are some of our Valentines disasters...do you have any?
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| Har Mar Superstar...patron saint of love! |
Flycasual:-Prince - 'If I Was Your Girlfriend' (1987)
It's 1987, I'm 13 years old, it's Valentines night and it's all happening down at the roller disco. I fancy this girl, she's new in town and rumour has it she fancies me. She's supposedly 'experienced' too, so as not to look like an arse I ask one of the older 'cool' kids about kissing, do you really have to use tongues or is it optional? Prince had just released the incredible
Sign 'O' the Times, the DJ plays the album, 'If I Was Your Girlfriend' blares through the speakers and we do circuits together hand in hand. She asks me to skate her home....it's on!
We kiss...on the lips, no nonsense but she deviates, she moves over to my cheek, then my neck, then my ear where to my horror she sticks her tongue in! "Euughh!" I squeal, "what are you doing?"
She exhales in disgust and pushes me away and walks indoors. "Wait, I did something wrong?" I think to myself.
I never see her again. My friend tells me she tried a 'Wet Willy' on me and apparently it's all the rage with the 'cool' kids! Story of my life.
Old Pa's Corner :-Hank Williams - Your Cheatin' Heart
I thought I would play an little trick on Old Ma. I bought a nice soppy Valentines card and put some romantic words and finishing with 'can't wait to see you again??? I had a mate from work who lived near Gatwick to post it. We lived next to Heathrow, so the post code would not be local. Well if you do a job you gotta do it right. Old Grand Pa told me that! I was hoping she would be embarrassed and squirm, or even try and hide it. I could not wait for her reaction. How well she must know me, she said it was me right away.
"
I knew it was you, because it is just the kind of stupid tricks you would play!"
It really blew Valentines day. All the old scores were brought out of the closet! Looking back, I wish I did not buy those bloody chocolates and flowers, I could have bought a CD for myself. Another lesson learned!
London Scouser:-
I had a Valentine's Day a few years back that I'll never forget but for all the wrong reasons. I'd finished a shift at work and was driving home about 1 o'clock in the afternoon on the M25 and the traffic was gridlocked. Luckily for me (or so I thought at the time) I was coming off to join the M3 and my lane was driving normally. I saw a car ahead of me sticking his nose out to come into my lane but I went past him. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw he had come out behind me and when I looked forward I saw that the van in front of me had slammed his brakes on for some reason. I did the same and came to a stop just behind him, the car behind me also came to a stop... unfortunately not from using his brakes, but using my car instead. The impact forced my car into the back of the van and I had been in my first accident, less than 6 months after passing my test. I remember the sound and the shock but mostly I remember my car stereo coming out of its fittings a bit like a spring loaded toaster !!! I'd been listening to 'Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant' at the time, I can't remember which track at the time but I chose this one because it seems an apt title. My poor wife, Shellhunter, had specially prepared and indoor picnic for us to celebrate this most joyous and romantic of card shop celebrations. I eventually got home about 7 o'clock. We had the picnic, but the occasion was a little bit like my airbag....deflated.
As a bonus, I've added a sneaky cover by B & S of an 80's favourite. They've slowed it down compared to 'The Primitives' original, but I kinda like their take on it
Shell Hunter:-Pamela Starks and
Ali Campbell - 'That Look In Your Eyes' (1995)
In secondary school, Valentine's Day was always exciting. The 6th formers used to sell 'Cupids' which were basically delivering love letters, presents and messages to all the students who had them bought by their secret admirers but during class time, in front of everyone. One year a friend of mine who was not one of the most popular of guys received his first ever one. The two 6th formers dressed in pink with cardboard bows and arrows said "Is John here? We have a love note from Sally for him." He went white with shock and a hush fell over the class. Who on earth was Sally and why would anyone want to send John a valentine could be heard murmured. He was beaming like a Cheshire cat! They went over and put the envelope in his hand. We all huddled around eagerly waiting to see what it was. He opened the envelope and out fell a very large sanitary towel. The whole class erupted when it said 'My name is Sally the sanitary towel and I love you John' written on it. A girlfriend of mine had played an evil prank on him which I doubt he has ever lived down. I'll never forget the look on his face.
